step back, step back, step back....

I turned 25 last weekend. I've been taking baby steps to figuring out what it is I want in this life and what it's going to take to make me happy. The difficult part is so is my husband and we seem to be following separate paths, and his path is causing me so much anxiety, I've stopped walking. He started spending time with this girl from work. All of a sudden it's Christy this and Christy that, he's very nice to her and my husband is a very standoffish guy. He also never had any interest in hanging out with woman before, so naturally I'm intimidated. And it's not just me, my best friend and my mother have told me I need to look out for her, so I'm a nervous wreck about the whole thing. If I say he can't hang out with her, I'm controlling. If I say I find it inappropriate, I'm irrational, so really, I just can't win.
I worked yesterday, he had the day off. After about 10 failed attempts to reach him, I finally get a hold of him, he spent the day with her and some other guy from work ,they were in the woods and he had no service. I felt so defeated, when I got home I couldn't even start a fight about it. Another couple of Ativan down my throat and off to the grocery store, where I managed to drop almost every single thing I picked up because I was so anxious. He bought me a sushi platter and I couldn't even touch it...

The thing is I wish he could see that the fact that I need to be on medication, see a psychaiatrist and a therapist again after about two and a half years of not seeing either, the fact that my appetite and my sleep are screwed up and I can't even function properly, whether what they are doing is inappropriate or not, would make him stop, but it doesn't. And that's where my mind begins to race even more, he doesn't care, his friendship with her is more important than my happiness, and that makes me question everything and suddenly I'm second guessing everything I do or think, because I'm always wrong. My feelings are unjustified, and I feel more lost than ever...

My best friend said that since I can't control the situation, I need to concentrate on my own happiness, but I don't know what makes me happy, and even worse, he usually does. And with all this anxiety, I can't even begin to start thinking about myself because all I can think about are those texts in his phone and what he's doing when he sees her. We want different things in life. We've only been married eight months but suddenly all these differences are piling up. I want more out of my life, away from the drinking and acting like an idiot. I want to fix my body.. I want to be productive, I want to go back to school, I want kids some day. But now he wants to go to bars and it's all about having fun, and not the type of fun I want to have...

So now my feet are stuck in mud...I'm going nowhere...and I feel helpless.

25

I'm going to be twenty five in less than 2 months, as my 59 year old friend said to me the other day, that's a big deal. Is it? Is it really? because it sure doesn't feel like it. For the past few years I've kind of felt like I'm coasting, to the point where nothing momentous actually happens, to the point where I've stopped actually noticing the beauty that there is in life. And to top all that off, I've just been diagnosed with fibromyalgia, which if I don't do something, could be incredibly debilitating. And that's when I realized, when is the last time I really challenged myself? When is the last time that I really put myself somewhere out of my comfort zone? When was the last time I went on an adventure? I was watching my dog this morning, he kept crying to go outside, he wanted to be out in our tiny yard, but why? He didn't have to poop, he had gone all but twenty minutes ago? And he just ran out there and stood there, watching the squirrels and listening to the birds and smelling all the smells, and he was happy. Why can't I be that happy?

Yesterday I had this urge to paint, but not ceramics like I usually do, which is basically a glorified coloring book, no, I wanted to tear apart a cardboard box and see what I could paint on there, but I couldn't bring myself to even try. Even though I kept telling myself, if it came out horrible I could throw it away and not tell anyone, no, I couldn't even try? Why? With this huge milestone and a medical condition scribbled in my chart, I know I have to make some changes, so twenty five actually feels like it means something.